TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
