I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
