i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
