I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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