you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize