the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
