I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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