Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
