So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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