I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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