I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
