im drinking this country out of the recession.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
