this beer tastes like vomit already
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
