I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
