my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
