im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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