Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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