I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
