she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
