Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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