I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize