thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
