So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I pour the whiskey from now on
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
