I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize