I just made out with a guy for $7.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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