Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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