i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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