so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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