Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
