I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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