I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize