You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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