I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
