You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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