My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
