The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
