Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
