im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
