I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
These tits shall not be calmed
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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