Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
