theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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