Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
