I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
