dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
