Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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