doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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