is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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