bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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