Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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