Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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