my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Floor bacon is actually really good
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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