dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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