Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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