your thong is hanging out like whoa
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
