My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize