He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My bed smells like the plague
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize