I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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