How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
