A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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